


A Different Kind of Hero

by heartsdesire456



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Feels, Letters, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Post-Season/Series 01, Queer Youth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 07:30:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8277755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: When Alec receives a letter from an anonymous source, he realizes that his bravery in choosing to kiss Magnus at his wedding had far more of an impact than he could have ever imagined.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Иной герой](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11896287) by [fandom_Shadowhunters_2017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_Shadowhunters_2017/pseuds/fandom_Shadowhunters_2017), [Shuji_Chou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shuji_Chou/pseuds/Shuji_Chou)



> This should not have taken me a few DAYS to write, but sadly, I was busy busy busy!
> 
> BUT HERE YOU GO! It's here NOW!

For most of his life, Alec thought he knew what to expect from his future: hunt demons, patrol the Shadow World for Downworlders who were hurting Mundanes, be a leader for his Institute, and take care of his family.

If six months ago, someone had told Alec he would be a secret hero for queer Shadowhunters, he would have probably thought they were a demon trying to fool him, honestly, and then panicked out of fear that someone had heard.

Now, as he at heavily on his bed, landing hard enough that the bedsprings creaked, he could only gape as he read the letter for the second time, more slowly this time. It had been on the floor with two other pieces of mail, slid under his door as usual when letters came from Idris, but the handwritten address on the front had clued him in to it not being like the weapons catalogue from a supplier in Idris or the official mail from the Clave about his upcoming evaluation to renew his full membership as a member of the Clave. (He had worries they might actually rule him unfit now.)

However, he had opened the handwritten letter first out of curiosity, and now he could barely breathe on the second read-through. 

_Dear Alec Lightwood,_

_You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but I couldn’t stop myself from writing this letter to you. I can’t tell you my name, because I’m afraid someone might open this before you get it, but I’m fourteen and I live in Idris. All my life, I’ve felt like something was wrong with me, like I was different than other girls. A few years ago, I realized why I felt like that. I’m a lesbian. Before I wrote it down just now, I have never said that word or wrote it down or anything, because I was too scared and too ashamed. For the past two years, I’ve felt wrong and dirty and like I was broken and I spent so much time wondering why the Angel messed up and made me something so bad._

_Then a few weeks ago, I was shopping with my mom in Alicante and she stopped to talk to some people she knew, and they were all gossiping about the big news from New York. Alec Lightwood was gay. I knew who you are because our tutors talk about some of the oldest families and you are usually talked about for being a strong leader at such a young age and sometimes they even praise you as ‘the next Jonathan Shadowhunter’ when they talk about people we will be compared to when we’re training. You aren’t famous, but everybody in Alicante knows your family name and has heard of you. And now somebody was telling my mom that ALEC LIGHTWOOD was gay!_

_My mom likes to gossip so I had to stand there, terrified of the ugly things they would say, and they did say some really bad things, but they told the whole story. They told how you were going to marry a woman from the Clave and how you were going to get control of the Institute, but then a man came to the wedding and you stopped the ceremony to go and kiss him, right there, in front of everybody. Alec Lightwood kissed another man in front of the Clave and wasn’t ashamed of it. You can never really understand how it felt for me to hear that someone so brave and good and strong was gay, because if Alec Lightwood is gay like me, maybe I’m not broken because that would mean one of the best young Shadowhunters in the world is broken, too._

_For the first time I my whole life, I feel like I’m not wrong. I’m not ugly and wrong and broken, because you’re just like me and you’re a good Shadowhunter. You love another man and you refused to let our world take that away from you. You aren’t scared of being who you always have been and loving who you love, so maybe one day I won’t have to be so scared either. Maybe one day I won’t have to marry some man I don’t love just because they expect me to. Maybe when I grow up, I can meet a girl I love and kiss her and not be scared. Maybe one day I can be just like Alec Lightwood._

_This might seem dumb to you, and I won’t ever even know if you got this letter because I can’t put my address on it in case somebody finds it, but for the past week I’ve thought about finding a way to tell you that for once, I don’t hate myself, and it’s all because of you. So thank you, Alec Lightwood. Thank you for making me realize I’m not alone and that I’m not broken after all._

_-S._

Alec read the letter a third time. And then a fourth. By the fifth time, some of the words were smudged, because at some point, Alec started crying just a little bit. Just a few stray tears when the enormity of what that letter said hit him.

Somewhere, there was a little girl that had felt everything he did when he was her age, every bit of self-hatred, every bit of wishing she was normal like everybody else, and now she _didn’t_. There was a little girl that heard what happened at his wedding and realized that somebody else was just like her. A little girl in Idris wasn’t going to keep feeling worse and worse until she was hardened and cold like he had become by the time he was an adult, but instead, she was able to accept that she wasn’t alone. A fourteen year old child had _hope_ for her future for the first time in years.

And it was all because Alec kissed Magnus.

Alec had never thought about how many other people might be gay, just like him. He had never really even considered that there could be other gay Nephilim. Now, it felt silly that he had never thought about how many others there might be, but it had never even occurred to him that he wasn’t really alone, even when he grew up and realized that, for Mundanes, it was very common. Now he had proof that not only were there others, but that _he_ had made a gay child understand that she wasn’t alone at what for Alec had been one of the worst ages to be gay. Alec remembered being fourteen and really having it hit home that he would never be normal. He first noticed when he was around twelve that he looked at boys the way most boys looked at girls. That was the first age where any sort of crushes began for him. And for a while, he felt ashamed, but it didn’t really occur to him until he was around this kid’s age that he would _always_ like boys and that it would never be okay again.

This girl learned at the same age where he started to really hate himself that she wasn’t alone and she didn’t have to hate herself anymore. She wouldn’t ever be sixteen and thinking about how lonely she would be for the rest of her life while her friends started dating boys. She wouldn’t ever be eighteen and ashamed that she wanted to have sex with another girl while her friends talked about the boys they had slept with. She wouldn’t ever be twenty-two and start to hate a woman because she was falling for her and couldn’t handle the shame in a healthy way.

All because Alec chose to stop hating the man he was falling for and chose to kiss him instead.

The same man that Alec hadn’t seen in the three weeks since Jace had gone missing.

~

Initially, Alec had had a good reason to avoid Magnus. The institute was on lockdown, Jace was still missing, and Alec was busy. After a week, that stopped being quite as true, and it became him wanting to avoid having a hard talk about Magnus over the whole immortality issue and what it would mean for any sort of future for them. And after the second week, Alec just flat out was too afraid and ashamed to go see Magnus. Three weeks since he saw him, Alec received the first letter from a little girl who found hope in his actions and he felt really glad nobody would be talking around her about how Alec did kiss that man, but had then wimped out on having anything to do with him after that one kiss.

He tried to ignore the guilt he felt, because he couldn’t stop thinking about how badly it would let that girl down if she knew that he wasn’t a hero, but still a giant coward too afraid of his own feelings. 

It became hard to ignore it when, only two days later, his mail came again and this time there were _three_ handwritten letters. One from a girl who was thirteen, one from a boy who was seventeen, both of which were just like the first letter from the girl who heard what he did and realized they weren’t so alone. The third one, however, left him sitting on his bed crying harder than he had since he was probably younger than Max, and that was how Isabelle found him.

Isabelle might have knocked, but Alec couldn’t tell, because she let herself in and rushed to his side. “Alec?! Oh my God, what’s wrong?” she asked, crawling up onto the bed. She paled rapidly when he looked at her. “Oh God, Jace.”

Alec shook his head, sniffling. “No, it’s not- it’s not that,” he said, though he could feel next to nothing through their bond, still. “Jace isn’t dead. I would know that much,” he said, and she visibly relaxed. 

“Thank God,” she said, then looked at his face. “Then what’s wrong?” she asked, reaching out to brush a thumb over his tear-streaked cheek. “I don’t think I’ve seen you cry since you were little,” she said, and Alec tipped his head back, laughing weakly.

“I sort of haven’t told anybody this, but the other day…” He sat up and dug through the envelopes and letters beside him and picked up the one from the first girl. “The other day, I got this letter. From a little girl that’s a lesbian. She heard about me, about what I did, and wrote me a letter,” he said, handing it to Isabelle. He wiped his cheeks, shaking himself out of it while Isabelle read it. 

Isabelle took a breath and then slowly smiled, looking up at Alec. “Oh Alec,” she said softly, a warm look. “And there’s more?” she asked, reaching out for one of the letters.

Alec nodded, sniffling still. “Three today. More kids. One of them is thirteen and one is seventeen. No names on those, but…” He held up the one that was resting on his lap. “This- this one is fifteen,” he said, his voice breaking. He cleared his throat, hand shaking as he pushed his hair out of his face as he started reading. “Dear Alec Lightwood, my name is Jordan and I’m fifteen years old. I live in China with my parents, at the Institute here. I don’t have any brothers or sisters, and I don’t trust anybody else, so I decided to tell you. I heard what you did at your wedding from a representative of the Clave who came to meet with the adults at this institute. I’m only in training, but my parents work here, so I was with everybody else when everybody started talking about how one of the Lightwoods, the oldest son, was gay and had fled the altar of to kiss a man instead of marry the woman he was moments from getting a marriage rune from. There were some bad things said about you and your family, I won’t deny that, but it was also the first time I had ever heard of a gay Shadowhunter who didn’t hide it. I figured there had to be plenty of us suffering in silence, but you are the first Shadowhunter I’ve ever heard of to be brave enough to refuse to be too ashamed to choose to be happy. I never even imagined that there could possibly be any hope of a gay Nephilim ever getting to be who he really is.”

Alec sucked in a breath, whimpering as he read on. “I- I was going to kill myself that night and-“ Alec let out a rough choking sound and he could feel the bed shaking as Isabelle began to shake just as bad as he was. She reached out and grabbed his ankle and Alec inhaled heavily, blinking away tears. “I was going to kill myself that night and instead of writing a suicide note, I wrote a coming out letter to send to my friend Julie back in Idris, so that somebody would know that I’m gay. She sent me a fire message back saying she always suspected and that it was okay. I had never thought I would ever find hope in anything. I was so sure my entire life was only going to get worse as I got older, and I felt so sure that it would be better to die than to suffer that long. Instead, I came out to a friend and I keep thinking about how maybe, one day, I can meet a boy who would love me enough to crash a wedding and run away with the groom, too.” Alec let out a wet laugh. “I wrote this letter to you because I needed you to understand how much you mean to me and I would bet to other kids just like me. I would be dead if it wasn’t for you coming out, and instead, for the first time in my whole life, I don’t dread growing up, because if Alec Lightwood can love another boy, then one day so can I.” Alec put the letter back in his lap and looked up at Isabelle, who looked just as wrecked as he felt.

Her makeup was running, and her face was all blotchy, but she was smiling so brightly it didn’t make her any less perfect to him. “Holy shit,” she choked out, and he nodded, laughing wetly as he reached up to rub his hands over his face. “Alec- Alec, you’re his hero,” she said. “All of them, you’re their _hero_ ,” she stressed. “You’re some- some queer Shadowhunter idol. My big brother, the hero of many.” 

Alec let her crawl up and hug him, snuggling into his side, and he just held her close, kissing her head. “Izzy, he would be _dead_. There’s a kid out there that would be dead if I- if Magnus hadn’t-“ He exhaled in a huff. “Oh my God, Izzy. He was going to- And he’s only fifteen.” He shook his head, swallowing hard. “No matter how bad it got, I never- that never-“

“Yeah, well,” Isabelle said, looking up at him. “You had family and responsibility and a little sister always on your heels,” she teased, cheek resting on his upper arm as she smiled up at him. “I’m glad, though.” She squeezed him some. “I’m glad you never got that low.”

“I get it,” he said with a small shrug, careful not to jostle her. “I get everything they mentioned. I felt all of that. Scared, alone, like something was broken in me.” He sighed. “Hopeless.” He shook his head, letting it tip back to rest on the head of the bed. “I dreaded growing up, too. Because what almost happened was going to happen. I had to marry a woman someday. I’m the oldest. I’m the one to pass on the family name, continue the line. Duty, honor, family, all that good stuff.” 

“Hey,” Isabelle said, poking him in the belly. “You think I’m taking some man’s last name someday?” she asked skeptically. “Think again, Buddy.”

Alec smiled, looking down at her. “I can’t see you continuing the Lightwood family name anyways. You as a mom,” he teased and she made a face.

“Maybe waaaaay in the future,” she said dismissively. Isabelle hugged him close and he closed his eyes, resting his cheek on her hair.

Alec felt a pang of guilt and tensed. “I’m not worthy of being their hero,” he added, barely above a whisper. “The only reason I didn’t marry her is because Magnus showed up. And now look at us.” He groaned. “I haven’t seen him since Jocelyn woke up. I haven’t spoken to him a single time.” He shook his head. “He probably doesn’t even want me anymore.”

Isabelle huffed. “Oh trust me, he wants you.” She glared up at him. “Do you know how often he asks about you? _Constantly_ ,” she answered before he could even prompt her to. “He and I have talked a few times and he always edges the conversation to how you’re doing. He asks Clary about you. He talks to Simon about you all the time. He’s just respecting your need for space and time to think.”

Alec felt a hollow, nauseating mixture of guilt and butterflies at that news. “I just-“ He grimaced. “I’m just scared. It’s so _much_.” Isabelle, suddenly, slapped him in the head, making him yelp. “Ow,” he said pointedly, glaring down at her.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, that poor man is so gone for you and you wanna complain about it being so _much_?” she chastised gently. “Magnus was gone for you the night you first met. He went from ‘scary warlock’ to heart-eyes and flirting the minute you smiled at him.” She poked him in the side with a narrow-eyed look. “He showed up, putting himself on the line for you, and you chose him over your own reputation and it was so romantic, and then you’ve shut him out for all this time-“

Alec huffed. “You’re the one who told me not to call him, Isabelle-“

“Because he kissed that vampire and you needed to make it clear you were mad, I didn’t mean never call him again!” she countered. “I thought you would make him suffer just a little and then forgive him! He obviously loves you, not her, so of course you forgive him.” 

Alec whined. “That’s the problem. That stupid _word_. He’s my first kiss, Izzy! I’ve kissed one person one time in my whole life and there’s that _word_!”

Isabelle frowned at him. “Forgiveness?”

“The L one.”

Isabelle’s eyes widened with dawning understanding. “Oh, Alec,” she sighed. “Alec, I don’t mean like ‘love’. It isn’t that big of a thing-“

“All those kids said it too,” he said quickly. “And the first thing Dad asked was if we were in love, and why would you go so far as he has if it _wasn’t_ , but we barely know each other, and-“

“And it’s fine you aren’t in love with him, Alec,” she said soothingly. “He’s probably not in love with you either, Big Brother,” she teased. “You’re handsome, but even you aren’t that good,” she joked. He petted his hair. “Alec, you don’t have to be in love with him. It’s not like it’s black or white,” she stressed. “But he cares about you, and you clearly have feelings for him, too. You’re supposed to _fall_ in love,” she said gently, smiling down at his distrustful eyes. “You’ve got to get to know him better and spend time together and learn each other’s personalities and lives better.” She smirked. “I know you’re gonna hate this, but you have to actually have conversations with somebody to fall in love with them.”

He blushed some. “We have had conversations. We spent a whole night talking once,” he reminded her. He sighed, rubbing at his face. “You’re right, I know it. I shouldn’t be so freaked out by people just making it out to be some big romance story.”

“It is romantic,” she pointed out. “But the fairy tales end at the big kiss, a real relationship starts after that.” She shrugged. “You should go on a date. Hang out at his place. Go on walks together. Try that whole ‘kissing’ thing again.” She winked. “And maybe something else,” she added and he blushed, ducking his head under his pillow with a bashful whine. “The point is,” she said, snatching his pillow away so he couldn’t hide. “You’ve got to call him. You have to see him. You don’t have to declare your undying love and live happily ever after, Alec, you just have to give it a chance.” She smiled more genuinely and he could already feel the gravity of her words before she said them. “I think you and Magnus could end up being a happily ever after some day, I think that man might be the one you fall in love with for good, and you can’t let that slip away, Alec.” She tapped him on the nose, annoying him. “You don’t have to start planning your next wedding already, you just need to plan your outfit for when you go see him and give him a chance to be someone before you worry about him being THE one.”

Alec blushed some, but smiled as he looked up at her. “He is really hot, though, right?” he asked, and she laughed suddenly, nodding in agreement. 

“Oh definitely. You’re lucky he saw you before I got a chance to seduce him, because that’s one man I’d like to unwrap like a present just for me,” she said with a dramatic sigh. “I demand vivid details of how big his arms are when you finally get him out of his shirt,” she teased and Alec laughed, shoving her playfully.

“Oh fuck off, I don’t fantasize about your boyfriends, you don’t get to do it to mine,” he said, and then flushed when he realized what he said. Isabelle just gave him a triumphant smirk and slid off the bed daintily.

“Can’t become your boyfriend if you don’t call him,” she said teasingly as she skipped across the room. She paused by the door and turned back to him, catching his eyes as he sat up and started to gather the letters up again. “Hey Big Brother,” she said and he raised an eyebrow patiently. She smiled faintly and gave him a fierce yet tender look that he’d seen in her big, brown eyes over and over again since the day she was born. “Even before all of this, you were already my hero,” she said simply, giving him a little grin before she opened the door and left.

Alec would deny it until his dying day, but there might have been a bit of a lump in his throat as he folded up the letters and put them back into their envelopes with a warm feeling in his stomach.

~

Alec wanted to see Magnus after his talk with Isabelle, but unfortunately, getting out of the Institute wasn’t easy these days. It was three more days and _seven_ more letters in the mail before he actually got to leave, and when he went, he took a few of the letters with him. He had to sneak out, but he found a gap in the security to get out, and he felt sort of like a rebellious child. He wondered if this was what Isabelle felt like when they were younger and she snuck out to meet boys. He was sneaking out of the Institute to go meet a boy, in a way. 

That boy was just a man and that man was Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. 

When he got to Magnus’s apartment, he almost worried he wouldn’t be welcome. It was late, and Magnus might not be home. If he was home, he might not be up for company. 

He might already have company, which was a thought that made Alec want to puke. He was pretty sure that if he had gotten up his courage only to find that Magnus was with someone else – which wouldn’t necessarily be wrong of him, since Alec had done nothing to give him hope Alec was going to be with him anytime soon – his heart couldn’t take it. He might not be a gay idol for little Nephilim much longer if the man he was falling for didn’t want him, because that sort of heartbreak after all this build up might just make something inside of him break and he’d lose his mind. 

Alec was still thinking of all the horrible possibilities when the door opened a crack, as it always did when he came there, and he let himself in. He liked that Magnus’s magic seemed to recognize that he was safe to enter while Magnus was preoccupied. He hoped it recognized threats and that Magnus was actually safe in his own magical home. He would hate to get there and find Magnus in danger (or worse).

When he rounded the corner into Magnus’s living room, Magnus was waiting, a glass of wine in each hand and a nervous look around his eyes and lips. Alec’s heart clenched at the realization that Magnus was just as nervous as he was. “Alexander,” he said in a faux-confident tone. “So lovely to see you. Finally,” he added with a bit of snark to his voice, but Alec could see the hurt underlying his façade. 

“Yeah, I-“ Alec sighed, walking closer. “I messed up. A lot. And I’m sorry,” he said without hesitation. Magnus looked surprised at his straightforwardness and wordlessly held out one of the wine glasses. Alec took it with a little smile. “Thanks,” he said and Magnus seemed a little out of his element as he gestured for Alec to go sit. Alec could tell he was confusing Magnus by not trying to explain or deny or anything. Alec sat and Magnus sat as well, the both of them fiddling with their glasses and ignoring the space of the middle cushion empty between them. “The Institute has been on lockdown,” Alec began. “That isn’t an excuse for three weeks, that was me being a coward, but that’s the honest excuse for the past few days,” he said earnestly. “I decided to see you as soon as possible on Monday and it just hasn’t been possible until today.”

Magnus looked at him curiously. “Oh?” he asked. “And why did you want to see me all of a sudden?” He lifted his glass, muttering into the rim, “You clearly didn’t want to see me before.”

Alec chuckled, taking a sip of his wine as well. “I already said, I was a coward.” He smiled sadly, looking down at the glass in his hand. “Magnus, I-“ He hesitated only a second before continuing. “I’ve never kissed anybody but you,” he said openly. “That was my first kiss. The only kiss,” he amended. “There was so much to happen so fast for me the past few months, and it’s not fair to you, so I’m not making an excuse. I just want you to have the whole story.” He looked up and Magnus was watching him with polite expectation, though his eyes showed that he was paying very close attention and trying not to make it obvious. “When I met you, I thought I was in love with my parabatai, but actually being interested in you made it very clear what I felt for Jace wasn’t even romantic feelings, it was just him being my best friend paired with him being the only guy my own age I’ve ever really been around. It’s not hard to imagine I’d have nobody else to dream about when I was going through puberty,” he joked and Magnus actually snorted, though he clearly tried not to. “But you felt… different.”

“Well I would hope so,” Magnus drawled. “I’m far more attractive than that one, that’s for sure. Also I’m not practically your brother.” He sniffed. “You and Clary need some sort of support group for ‘Nephilim who had quasi-incestuous feelings for their brother’, or something,” he added and Alec grimaced.

“Don’t remind me,” he said, shaking his head. “Look, Magnus, the point is, I went from having never met a guy I liked to meeting a _warlock_ I was instantly attracted to, and then before we could even get to know each other in the slightest, my mom started talking about marrying me off to some woman. And then,” he said, gesturing with his free hand as he looked across the room. “That night with Luke, I was avoiding her and spent it with you, and you were even more interesting than I could’ve imagined. And then I got engaged to Lydia so at least I got to pick, the girl, and I tried not to want you, but you wanted me and you weren’t a coward like I am, so you fought for me.” He gave Magnus a small smile. “And then I almost made the biggest mistake of my life, but you showed up at my wedding and I realized I wanted to have the choice to find out what could be there. I wanted to see if what I feel for you is what it’s supposed to be like. And I did that dramatic thing-“

“Kissing me in front of the Clave?” Magnus asked. “Yeah, that was dramatic,” he teased and Alec rolled his eyes.

“I’d never even kissed anybody before, and I just went with it, and afterwards, I felt so untouchable,” he said with a wistful smile. “I told my mom what I really felt, I stood up to my dad and he took it better than I thought he would, and then he had to go and ask ‘are you in love’ and I just started to freak out,” Alec admitted. “And then I started to panic because what if you _were_ in love with me. I’m not in love with you, and that would be weird. Then you kissed Camille-“

“Alec, I didn’t-“

Alec shook his head. “No, I trust you, I do,” he said quickly. “She was trying to ruin your night, I get that,” he said seriously. “But what she said was true, you’re immortal, and I’m not, and I hadn’t really thought about what that would mean if you _were_ in love with me,” he said heavily. “And it’s just- it was all just _so much_.” Alec winced, taking another drink of his wine. “So yeah. I panicked. And hid.” He looked over at Magnus. “I do have a pretty good excuse, though. Jace is still missing, Valentine is still out there, and this new guy from the Clave has taken over the institute and it’s on lockdown.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “Oh? It _is_ on lockdown?” he asked, and Alec gave him a devious grin. Magnus smirked slowly. “Why Alexander Lightwood. You bad, bad boy,” he purred, then chuckled. He sighed, rolling his eyes. “I guess I can see how that would really freak you out. You have no experience with relationships, you kiss one guy, and suddenly everybody’s throwing the L-word around. Even I did it, trying to shock you out of marrying Lydia,” Magnus admitted. “And I’m sorry if I scared you.” Magnus slid a little closer, and Alec felt grateful. “So,” he said, patting a hand on the back of the couch so he could turn to face Alec, legs curled up between them. “What changed? What made you suddenly want to see me?” Magnus asked, looking guarded but hopeful.

“Just because I don’t love you now doesn’t mean I don’t want to see if it happens,” Alec said honestly, and Magnus’s breath hitching in surprise was the best reward for bluntness ever. Magnus’s eyes were a little wide, and he looked positively beautiful in his pleasantly shocked expression. 

“Oh,” he breathed, and then, much to Alec’s delight, he _blushed_.

Alec shrugged, smiling bashfully as he leaned his head back and looked at Magnus searchingly. “I do care about you, Magnus. I have feelings for you. And I want to find out if those feelings could turn into love. I just panicked because nobody really thinks their first kiss will be followed by everybody tossing around the phrase ‘in love’, you know?”

Magnus grinned and nodded. “I do know,” he agreed. He exhaled heavily, shaking his head as that same, amazed smile that he’d worn after the wedding crossed his face, making Alec’s heart ache with how beautiful he looked like that. “Still doesn’t explain the sudden shift,” he added. “Did something happen?”

Alec bit his lip and nodded, growing far more serious. “I- yeah, actually.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out the letters. “A few days ago, I got a letter,” he said, and Magnus looked very interested suddenly. “I got a letter from a little girl in Idris who is a lesbian, and she heard what I did, and wrote me to tell me that for the first time in her life, she doesn’t hate herself,” he said, throat tightening with emotion. He held the letter up and offered it to Magnus.

Magnus looked absolutely shocked and he took the envelope, opening it quickly. His eyes scanned the letter, and Alec watched as his chest lifted some with every increasingly emotional exhale. “Oh Alec,” he sighed, looking up at him with a blinding smile. “I never even thought-“

“Me neither,” Alec said with a crooked grin. “And that was just the first one,” he said, holding out another. “This one I particularly wanted you to read, because that kid’s bisexual,” he said, and Magnus took the letter, opening it to read. Alec watched in adoration as Magnus’s eyes grew a little damp and a blinding smile spread across his face. 

“‘Thank you, Alec, for making it so that one day I can choose who I love, not just who I love that’s a boy’,” he read, grinning. “Wow. That’s incredible.” He looked eagerly for another letter and saw Alec only had one more. “What about that?” he asked, and Alec’s stomach clenched as he traced his finger across his address on the front of Jordan’s letter.

Alec took a breath. “This- this one is from a boy named Jordan,” he said, voice still catching some in spite of how many times he had read this letter. “He-“ He shook his head, holding it out to Magnus. “Don’t worry, I won’t find you any less beautiful when your makeup is running,” he said as his only warning. 

Magnus rolled his eyes and tutted at Alec’s flattery as he took the letter. When he opened it, Alec watched him read, and he could see the moment Magnus realized why this letter was so special. Magnus read on and Alec watched his expression change and darken and he put a hand over his mouth as his eyes filled with tears. What Alec didn’t expect was that when he got to the end, Magnus suddenly burst into tears. “He’s only _fifteen_ ,” he sobbed, and Alec quickly slid closer, pulling Magnus into his arms. Magnus collapsed against his chest, the letter fluttering harmlessly to the floor beside them. “Oh my God, he’s alive because of you!” Magnus looked up at him, still positively sobbing. “Alec, he was going to _kill himself_ ,” he cried. “He’s just a little boy.”

Alec nodded, swallowing hard a few times himself as he put his hand in Magnus’s hair, resting his lips against the crown of Magnus’s head. “I know. I- trust me, I know.” Alec closed his eyes, stroking at the back of Magnus’s head, touching his soft, fuzzy hair where it was buzzed. “There’s more, I just brought a few to show you. I wanted you to see what finally gave me a kick in the ass. I really am the first Shadowhunter of my family’s prestige to _ever_ come out. I’m the only openly gay Shadowhunter that’s a full member of the Clave. I know how they feel, Magnus. I know how all of them feel. I felt so alone, and so hopeless, and like nobody else could ever understand what it was like to be made wrong. I never felt like Jordan, but I can imagine why he would feel that way. I had other goals, other things to look forward to, but I never once thought that loving somebody was even on the table for my future. I knew one day I’d have to have a wife and kids, and I thought it wouldn’t be that bad as long as I got everything else that comes with it, but if I was like Jordan?” He shook his head. “If I knew I was never going to get to control an Institute, if I knew I was never going to have a parabatai or brothers and sisters and if I was alone and would never have any responsibilities, who knows. I might have only seen suffering in the future, too.” 

“There must be so many kids just like him,” Magnus said in a strangled tone, lifting his head. “So many children who feel so alone and helpless and hopeless. Little Nephilim that know what you did and realize they aren’t alone after all.” He looked at Alec in an awe-like expression that Alec knew he wasn’t worthy of. “For every letter, there have to be so many who haven’t written.”

Alec nodded, smiling slowly. “I may have kissed you, Magnus, but you showed up. You didn’t give up on me, even when I told you to. If you hadn’t come, I would’ve married her, and I would’ve been stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.” He reached up to gently wipe the black tear-tracks from beneath Magnus’s eyes with his thumbs, holding his face in his hands as he did so. “I’m not in love with you, Magnus, but if you hadn’t refused to give up on me, I would’ve never gotten the chance to even dream of falling in love someday.”

Magnus gave him a smile that was a little watery still. “I understand being a little freaked out by so much talk about love when we haven’t even gone on a date yet, but I want you to understand that I fall fast and I fall hard. I always have, with every person I’ve ever cared for. When I met you, I started falling. I won’t say I’m in love with you, because you’re right, we haven’t spent much time together, but in a normal relationship, I’d probably be in love with you already by now.” He smiled wryly. “I’m bad about just holding my heart out and going ‘take it, take it!’, if you haven’t noticed by my particularly sketchy history.”

Alec smiled nervously. “I don’t know how I fall, but I want the opportunity to see if it happens with you, Magnus.” He stroked his thumb across Magnus’s cheekbone. “I was attracted to you so fast, and I started to care about you pretty fast, too. I want to go on a date with you, and I want to hold your hand, and I want to spend hours talking to you again, like that first time. I want to hear about you and your life, and I want to tell you about mine, and I want to find out what coffee you drink, and who your favorite author is, and I want you to explain all these Mundane references you make that I don’t get, and I want to fall asleep watching movies or whatever it is you like.” Alec blushed slightly, but he didn’t move his gaze. “I want to kiss you again.”

Magnus’s smile was breathtaking and he let out a soft huff of laughter. “I want all those things, too. Especially that last one,” he said with a little wiggle of his eyebrows.

Alec smirked, lips pulling to one side. “For the good of the children, obviously,” he said with a nod. “After all, kissing you is good for kids’ self-esteem. Little Nephilim everywhere benefit from me kissing you,” he joked, and Magnus laughed, eyes crinkling at the edges.

“Well of course, anything for the children,” he played along, and then leaned in with a laugh about the same time Alec did.

It wasn’t a great kiss by any means. They were both smiling, so it was a clash of mouths more than a kiss, but they managed to make it work. Magnus wrapped both hands around Alec’s forearms where they peeked from under his shirt from the way his big, warm hands held Magnus’s face. Alec smiled between soft, sweet little kisses, and he could feel Magnus positively vibrating with joy as they kissed. “I never thought I’d feel like this about a _Shadowhunter_ ,” Magnus teased, and Alec grinned, their heads pressed together as they met each other’s gaze. “If all virgin Shadowhunters kiss like that, not a single one of those kids has anything to worry about when they grow up,” he said, and Alec chuckled, rolling his eyes as he pulled Magnus into his arms fully for a hug.

Magnus hugged him back, both of them content to just let their heartbeats settle from all the excitement. 

Alec knew he wasn’t really some big hero. He knew those kids just needed a role model and that ended up being him. But he also knew that Magnus’s hand fit perfectly in his and there was a boy in China who was alive, and those were the only two things that mattered in the long run.

~

( _After getting Jace back, things became pretty hectic in the fight for Valentine, so Alec didn’t have time to bother hiding all the letters from kids he’d gotten over a few week’s time. He had all but forgotten about the stack sitting out on his bedside table until he came out of the shower to find Jace standing in the middle of his room holding a letter in one hand and the envelope in the other, crying._

_“Jace-“_

_Jace turned at the sound of his voice and crossed the space in a few steps, throwing his arms around him. “I love you, Alec,” he sobbed into his neck, all snotty and wet and disgusting. Alec grimaced and looked at the letter hanging by his cheek, since Jace’s arms were so tightly around his neck they wrapped all the way around, and suddenly it all made sense when he caught the words ‘my parabatai’ and remembered the letter about a kid thinking her parabatai would hate her for liking girls and she couldn’t stand if he hated her._

_Alec chuckled and patted Jace’s back awkwardly. “I know you do, Jace-“_

_“I wouldn’t ever hate you, I swear, I really swear,” he gritted out, rubbing his face against Alec’s shirt – and smearing gross tears and snot on his neck – as he hugged him tight. “You’re my brother and I love you!”_

_Alec sighed, petting his back once more. “Thanks, Jace. I know you do. Love you too, Buddy.” He tugged away, hands on Jace’s arms to hold him back. “But now I need to go get another shirt and wash my neck. I can’t go on a date with_ snot _on me.”_

_Jace gave him a watery, apologetic smile. “Sorry, but I- I just love you, you know” he said very seriously, and Alec snickered._

_“Yeah, yeah. I love you, too.” He patted Jace’s back and turned around to go back into the bathroom, tugging his shirt off as he went._

_He sure hoped Magnus didn’t mind him being the late one for once._ )


End file.
